Living Life in Reactor Mode
A life of reactivity is like a ball bouncing around in a pinball game machine. The only way the ball stays alive is by getting abruptly smacked around from here to there. It may be fun for a little bit but eventually it hurts. It's disorienting. And, it's only serving someone else's goal.
Ways We Live a Reactive Life:
-Making other people happy at the expense of ourselves.
-Getting angry and losing our calm at perceived or outright insults from others.
-Feeling trapped in a dreaded job instead of looking for other opportunities.
-Picking out opponents to fight with tooth and nail.
-Accepting less from a relationship than we need or want.
Reacting to life keeps us stuck, unhappy and semi-conscious. We’re so distracted by other people and their goals or outlooks that we make little effort to steer our lives toward the things we actually want for ourselves.
It feels so awful to live this way that the only way to tolerate it is to dull ourselves with TV, food, booze or other vices.
Living Life in Director Mode
When we direct our lives, our attention and energy is on expressing ourselves as the people we want to be. Every life situation becomes a fork in the road where we can choose to define and act on our own values or retreat into victimhood, blame, and defeat. Every time we are faced with this decision and we choose to direct our own life, we have an impact. It is incremental and it accumulates into real, tangible results and an inner stability.
When We Direct Our Lives, We:
-Enjoy making other people happy and make ourselves happy too.
-Aren’t susceptible to provocation.
-Know we don’t have to settle for suffering.
-Accept others for who they are and spend more time with people we enjoy.
-Ask for what we need or want, and decide how we want to proceed when we get the answer.
Being in director mode requires that we know and respect ourselves. This doesn’t come naturally to many of us. Below are some common obstacles that can keep us stuck in reactor mode.
Obstacles
Obstacles can be any variety of hardships like racism, serious illness, an absent parent, a learning disability, poverty, etc. You may have had to face a number of these obstacles already in life.
Obstacles cause pain. But, it is what we do with this pain that shapes who we are. Do we take the pain and try to pass it on to others? Or, do we use it to increase compassion for ourselves and other people?
Obstacles are not damning. They are the building blocks of our character and spiritual connection to something deeper in life. You are not doomed. You are being called to go deeper.
Blind Spots
As we live life, we will still have blind spots, parts of ourselves we aren’t aware of. You’ll recognize when a blind spot is exposed by your strong and unsettling emotional upheaval to an event, person or circumstance.
Signs of a blind spot:
Don’t just point a finger at someone else when these emotions arise. If you have a problem with someone, you are making that person your problem. Making other people your problem is very unpleasant and unproductive for you.
Instead, take a look within. How do you want to handle these problems?
Superhuman Powers
Finally, I want to give you some ideas about who you are on a deep, deep level. I believe there are universal superhuman powers that reside in our spirits. It’s an idea I’ve held over the years as I worked with people through their most troubling and vulnerable times.
I’ve come to know that the human spirit is incredibly, unfathomably resilient. And, I do mean spirit. Not everyone has a nail-proof psyche, perfect coping skills, or unshakable self-esteem. But, time and time again, I’ve seen strength arise from somewhere deep within, even in people who had entirely given up on themselves. Their minds said, “it’s hopeless” but their spirits whispered, “try this…..” and lo and behold the idea would yield a surprising result. Hope would be renewed.
Start working with the superhuman powers below. Pick out the ones you like most. Reread them often, expect to see these qualities in yourself and look for examples in your life.
Respecting yourself is what creates stability in your life. Respect yourself. Value yourself. Know yourself as well as you can. All of this will come to you as you live your life and interact with others. Keep your mind open so you can see how everything in your life is helping you know yourself better.
Exercise:
Write down an aspect of your life that is more in reactor mode right now. How have you been reacting specifically? Can you think of ways to move more into director mode on this subject?
A life of reactivity is like a ball bouncing around in a pinball game machine. The only way the ball stays alive is by getting abruptly smacked around from here to there. It may be fun for a little bit but eventually it hurts. It's disorienting. And, it's only serving someone else's goal.
Ways We Live a Reactive Life:
-Making other people happy at the expense of ourselves.
-Getting angry and losing our calm at perceived or outright insults from others.
-Feeling trapped in a dreaded job instead of looking for other opportunities.
-Picking out opponents to fight with tooth and nail.
-Accepting less from a relationship than we need or want.
Reacting to life keeps us stuck, unhappy and semi-conscious. We’re so distracted by other people and their goals or outlooks that we make little effort to steer our lives toward the things we actually want for ourselves.
It feels so awful to live this way that the only way to tolerate it is to dull ourselves with TV, food, booze or other vices.
Living Life in Director Mode
When we direct our lives, our attention and energy is on expressing ourselves as the people we want to be. Every life situation becomes a fork in the road where we can choose to define and act on our own values or retreat into victimhood, blame, and defeat. Every time we are faced with this decision and we choose to direct our own life, we have an impact. It is incremental and it accumulates into real, tangible results and an inner stability.
When We Direct Our Lives, We:
-Enjoy making other people happy and make ourselves happy too.
-Aren’t susceptible to provocation.
-Know we don’t have to settle for suffering.
-Accept others for who they are and spend more time with people we enjoy.
-Ask for what we need or want, and decide how we want to proceed when we get the answer.
Being in director mode requires that we know and respect ourselves. This doesn’t come naturally to many of us. Below are some common obstacles that can keep us stuck in reactor mode.
Obstacles
Obstacles can be any variety of hardships like racism, serious illness, an absent parent, a learning disability, poverty, etc. You may have had to face a number of these obstacles already in life.
Obstacles cause pain. But, it is what we do with this pain that shapes who we are. Do we take the pain and try to pass it on to others? Or, do we use it to increase compassion for ourselves and other people?
Obstacles are not damning. They are the building blocks of our character and spiritual connection to something deeper in life. You are not doomed. You are being called to go deeper.
Blind Spots
As we live life, we will still have blind spots, parts of ourselves we aren’t aware of. You’ll recognize when a blind spot is exposed by your strong and unsettling emotional upheaval to an event, person or circumstance.
Signs of a blind spot:
- Anger
- Defensiveness
- Fear
- Hatred
Don’t just point a finger at someone else when these emotions arise. If you have a problem with someone, you are making that person your problem. Making other people your problem is very unpleasant and unproductive for you.
Instead, take a look within. How do you want to handle these problems?
Superhuman Powers
Finally, I want to give you some ideas about who you are on a deep, deep level. I believe there are universal superhuman powers that reside in our spirits. It’s an idea I’ve held over the years as I worked with people through their most troubling and vulnerable times.
I’ve come to know that the human spirit is incredibly, unfathomably resilient. And, I do mean spirit. Not everyone has a nail-proof psyche, perfect coping skills, or unshakable self-esteem. But, time and time again, I’ve seen strength arise from somewhere deep within, even in people who had entirely given up on themselves. Their minds said, “it’s hopeless” but their spirits whispered, “try this…..” and lo and behold the idea would yield a surprising result. Hope would be renewed.
Start working with the superhuman powers below. Pick out the ones you like most. Reread them often, expect to see these qualities in yourself and look for examples in your life.
- You are resilient.
- You are driven to make the most of your life.
- You are kind and approachable because you feel good about who you are.
- You feel secure knowing that you can read the motives of other people well. You know who to avoid and who to engage.
- You trust yourself to stay safe and you do not put yourself in harm’s way.
- You know that you may make mistakes but that you can learn, forgive yourself and move on with greater strength and courage.
Respecting yourself is what creates stability in your life. Respect yourself. Value yourself. Know yourself as well as you can. All of this will come to you as you live your life and interact with others. Keep your mind open so you can see how everything in your life is helping you know yourself better.
Exercise:
Write down an aspect of your life that is more in reactor mode right now. How have you been reacting specifically? Can you think of ways to move more into director mode on this subject?